Ever since I started living independently many years ago, my relationship with food has been somewhat up and down. Pretty soon I realized that I am not what you would call a foodie: I have my favorites, and I love whatever my mother cooks. But going mental over food, the idea of food, looking forward to the next meal, dreaming about food, photographing food and writing about it, creating recipes....it all just escaped me.
And now the older I get, the more I see that food and I are like a pair of tempestuous yet long-distance lovers. Sometimes, we meet. And sparks fly. I fall in love, food becomes one of the highlights of my life, and I rhapsodize over whatever's on my plate. (This happens only when I am on vacation. I choose one particular aspect of my lover to drool over: sometimes it's seafood, sometimes desserts, or exotic fruits...)
But now, I have reached a point when I do not want to be bothered with food. I find it taxing to eat three or more times a day. I read somewhere that there is a nutritional supplement you can take that spares you the effort of actual food, and this idea appeals to me. I would gladly partake of food only on the weekends.
Part of the issue is that I have to face institutional meals for most of the week. The aesthetics of mass-prepared food have always turned me off, and now I find that in my current state of emotional stress, my stomach plainly rebels at every such meal.
What to do? I have been going counter to my own body's signs and eating more than usual, simply because I know that given a choice I will eat a miniature portion every time and face the further horror of losing more weight. That won't do now will it?
All this angst has been brought on no doubt by having just spent some time in the kitchen cooking an actual meal from scratch. The process was satisfying, the aromas wonderful, and the end result lovely. So now what? I am struck by the fact, as though it is the first time, that I have actually created food...I have put something together that I take pleasure in eating. It always baffles me when this happens, because I know it simply won't last. Come Monday, and I will be back to wishing I didn't have a stomach to feed.
My life is so difficult! If only I could soothe my soul with chocolate cake.