Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Insert witticism here

I had a friend a few years ago who suddenly dropped out of touch deliberately. She ignored messages and phone calls for months, before I stopped attempting to contact her again. It left me feeling baffled and prickly. I analyzed my every action the last time we had met, attempting to find a reason for the sudden withdrawal. What else can you do? I finally assumed that some major change or loss had occurred in her life and it would be wisest for me to let it go. 

And then we saw each other by accident, at a cafe. She came up to me and we had this awkward conversation. I didn't put on any false airs of being happy to see her but asked her frankly if she was okay. She seemed ill at ease: too hearty, and even a little embarrassed. She ended the brief meeting by promising to call me, which I found odd. She never did call. This must have been six years ago. 

Two nights ago I suddenly decided to text her again. (I never deleted her number.) She explained her point of view, and even if it made no sense to me, I can empathize. The conversation we had was interesting in that it was stripped of all social niceties, and so felt like a relief. This is a big part of the reason for my not having a life-of-the-party personality. I've been called snobbish, standoffish, overly serious, and too businesslike. I have been accused of 'thinking too much.' 

All that means is that when I have a conversation, I want to converse. I am fully engaged and need full engagement from the other party. I am hesitant to open up to people because I'm not sure if they feel the same. No judgment on my part, but I find small talk of little interest. If I cannot have a meaningful exchange I simply prefer not to have one at all. I realize that the problem lies in the definition of 'meaningful'.

I don't know where this post is leading. I think the crux is that I crave authenticity in relationships, a quality I find sadly lacking. Of course over the years I've skimmed off many people who I deemed too unable to understand my point of view, but I still find that a few people I am close to for various reasons are on the other side of the bridge when it comes to openness and speaking their mind.

I'm stuck in this state of feeling baffled and prickly. If only I could hurry up and be one of those people who have a witticism for every time they feel like this.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very, very poignant...hauntingly captivating...it really struck a chord.

First of all, don't change a thing about yourself...at all...please. And don't ever think you need to...

So curious to hear what the reasons were...and was she in the U.S. or India?

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